I’ve decided to start blogging every other day unless I’m doing something of importance, which I’m often not. After work I just kind-of do…nothing, and until a miracle happens and I find the motivation to drag myself to the gym for health ever at all I need to have a Thing™ or I’ll probably continue actively melting my brain with Netflix and online retail therapy.
I’d like to re-title this blog, because “[uncertain]” is fake deep and way extra, but in truth it’s the one word that describes every single aspect of my life (except my S.O., we’re killin it. #goals tbh) and I think the brackets hint nicely that it may one day be replaced with something better. It would be cool if that hadn’t sounded like the start of a mommy health blog.
Though, I suppose, if it had been the start of a mommy health blog, the blog would have a theme and the author would know her purpose. That’s where I’m struggling, I think. I’m not quite sure how to identify myself as separate and unique of others. I’m good at many things, not particularly great at one or the other, and there isn’t one single thing that I can pinpoint as my favorite — which is going to get me into trouble in this branding class I’m taking, probably. I like outer space (but don’t enjoy and can’t understand higher-level physics concepts, and so can’t pursue much there), I strongly believe in the (intersectional) feminist movement (but as a white woman it feels more necessary to listen than contribute much to the conversation), I have neat handwriting (but there are thousands of beautiful calligraphers, and they all use the same Pinterest fonts), I can play the flute (above-averagely, which isn’t good enough), I love photography (though am mediocre at best), I love travel (but lack the funds), I adore the theater (but fall short of talented), I’m perceptive, self-aware, organized, good with kids, reasonably funny, and observant, I value kindness, want to see more women in STEM, and often give good advice — but so do millions of other people.
I don’t know what my passion is, is the problem. And maybe there isn’t anything. That’s okay, I guess, but doesn’t bode super well for standing out in a job market or branding myself over the course of this semester. Or being happy with the career and life path I choose.
I’m just good at being good at things, you know? If I could get a letter revealing my talents and options moving forward, whatever they are, even if I’m not very fond of them now, I know if I work at anything I can usually pull it off. I’d study chemistry and wine and business and open a winery if I knew it’d be successful. I’d sit through another 4 years of college of all physics classes if I knew I were destined to be a NASA engineer. I’d even have a kid and buy organic and cut out all sugar if I knew my mommy health blog would be a hit. I like being good at things. Of course, “good” isn’t nearly enough for…anything, but if I just knew what to go after, I’d do it. I’d work extra hard for “great” if I knew.
There’s some repressed memories of rejection and fear of failure playing into all this, I’m sure of it.
I like where I am now, I do, and for now (through May, when my job contract will end) I’m content to live in the present. Today was great, I got in almost 10 hours of work, and tomorrow I’m attending an Eagle Ceremony for which my brother is the Master of Ceremonies. There’s also free dinner. My lacking-prospects future is a back-burner worry, my friends. C’est la vie.