On progress

“‘In progress’ has become my least favorite word combination. Ever.” (x)

Same, barn3398.

“In progress,” of course, is a specific status label when applying to Disney internships, and since I’m not doing much else these days I’m running with it as a double entendre.

A lot of things in my life are in progress. The probably smallest things that really just add an extra step to my day are my new ear piercings — don’t get excited, they’re the standard second ones right next to the first ones, I’m just behind with the trend. What I didn’t remember from getting my ears pierced for the first time in 5th grade (aside from it being $50, what the heck) was that I have to clean these things 3 (three) times a day, and also I can’t take them out for 6 weeks.

That’s so much time for both of those things.

So that’s in progress for the next five and a half weeks, I have an interview tomorrow that I probably won’t hear back from for potentially also five and a half weeks, and I have at least 10 internships I can literally see they haven’t even looked at yet. Also, my cat is still on her weight loss regime, so I’ve got to keep up with that.

I’ve got Netflix shows in progress.

I realized that younger me had already made the “tiffanyjoyclark.wordpress.com” account, and after an hour I finally figured out the email/passcode combination, and then discarded the URL, and then tried to claim it on this account and couldn’t because now it’s permanently disabled, so I obviously wanted to contact WordPress support but couldn’t because I don’t pay for any sort of premium account, so I posted my woes on the forums as suggested, but obviously no one responded because nobody not working for WordPress would at all be able to help me, so I thought I’d just pay for a month to get the help I need but turns out you have to pay yearly, so I wasn’t going to pay $36 to ask a question, so THAT’S in progress.

I’m growing my hair long again. That’s not even anything I can influence. That’s almost as infuriating as the $36 question.

But I can’t imagine a time in my life where something wouldn’t be in progress. I’m waiting and waiting and waiting for all these things to culminate into something final and perfect, but they won’t.

Things will fall apart, or more things will try and join in, or I’ll switch directions entirely. Or, everything I’m working toward and hoping for will happen perfectly (maybe it’s one of Tiffany’s Good Universes after all, but recently things have been excessively disproving that), and what then? Does everything just stop and be perfect and final for the whole rest of all of my time?

Of course not.

We’re always in progress. There will always be something new, whether it’s thrown at us or we decide to pursue it (insert “Some are born great” Shakespeare quote here). I feel antsy when I’m not actively moving forward, or at least trying to, and I know that even if everything I’m working toward now somehow came together just how I imagined, it wouldn’t stay like that.

I like change. I like doing new things, and I like doing them often. While I can’t channel that drive into traveling the world right now — because lbr no amount of optimism and free-spirited “just go” speeches can change the fact that I don’t make enough right now to afford even a one-way trip to anywhere — I can apply it to my everyday life, and I’d argue that’s almost more important.

Our perspectives are individualistic. It’s their thing. But the difference between being narrow or open-minded is our ability and willingness to see the world for the mosaic of human stories it really is. The world is run on stories. We’ve all seen that post, “Life is a book, and those who don’t travel only read one chapter” or whatever classist nonsense it says; I would like to counter and substitute “travel” with “engage in relationships with others and search for or take every opportunity given to them to enrich their understanding of the human experience,” and “read” with “write.”

So that’s what I’m trying to do. Small-scale book building.

This is more of a pep-talk for myself than anything else, but for anyone who’s gotten past the cliches and is still reading, I’d like to give you one more:

Being a work in progress does not mean you have failed to succeed. 

Moreover, having to work harder than you expected in order to reach your goal does not mean you are stupid, or less-than. When something is difficult, and you don’t think you can manage a perfect outcome, if you work your very best at it the end result can only be your very best — and your very best is always good, and enough.

Plus, every time you push yourself to experience/try/work at something different or new (or differently or from a new angle), I suppose you could say you’re writing a new page. Because I say you could.

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Updates on my Disney internships here.

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On love

It feels extremely selfish and unproductive and reeks of privilege to keep writing about mundane life when things are still happening, but I do have to write at least two posts a week (I mean, I don’t — I’m auditing the class so this is self-imposed but so far I’ve been determined to do work like I’m supposed to) and I don’t want another mouth-breather sniffing me out on LinkedIn for political ~discourse~ just yet, so, here we go!

Today I applied for an internship with Disney’s Fairy Tale Weddings (and others, too, but obvi this is the big shiny dream one). I love weddings, and Disney, and love, and people in love, and myself the most when I’m acting out of love. Especially now, I think it’s crucial love is continually reintroduced into the world — and if expensive, outdated, commercialized ceremonies are the surest way I can be directly a part of the process, count me in.

I watched “The Wedding Planner” (again) last night. Really phenomenal rom-com, horrible real-life implications — it scared me to death that the person I get engaged to and I will just fall apart after years of being each other’s one and only. That’s not the theme of the movie, but if it’s what I got from it, who’s to tell me I’m wrong?

Anyway, JLo and Matthew McConaughey basically fall in love at the beginning of the movie, except Matt’s getting married and JLo turns out to be the wedding planner (I said it, I said the title) his fiancée had hired. That’s horrible. That’s a bad thing. But a good, wonderful, magnificent thing is the passion with which we see JLo’s character go about planning and executing weddings. She does it with skill, with ease, with poise, and almost with a sort-of lovingness toward the event itself, not to mention her tenderness with anxious brides and drunk FOBs. She’s pouring love into her work, which is visibly glowing around every wedding scene — even the very first one in her childhood bedroom, where at around 8 years old she performs a ceremony for Barbie and Ken.

I’d like that, I think. I’d like to be able to help couples plan a day to celebrate their love, because that’s what weddings are to me. I don’t consider myself religious, so weddings are, aside from guarantees of tax and general spousal benefits, a celebration of honest, human love, period. And that’s a hard thing. A lot of people can’t do it, and it only gets harder the more times you try. Love as a partnership is a conscious, ongoing choice, from what I’ve gathered reading the blogs of normal people doing life together. It’s not a fairy tale all the way through — and I suppose treating it like one doesn’t help — but it is what you make of it, you, not the universe (it doesn’t care, it’s got better things to do), not your partner, you. You will keep loving as you choose to, not because of what someone else does or says.

I don’t even think I should keep talking about spousal love specifically anymore, either, because friendships and families are so full of love too!! And any kind of love is hard. For anyone, in any way.

But it’s beautiful, and worth it.

And, of course, healing, but not the end-all-be-all or something anyone should be dependent on, because we are our own whole people and nobody needs a “second half.” I’m spewing. I know. Nothing is getting fleshed out, and I’m sorry.

It’d just be nice to have more love in the world, wouldn’t it? It’s harder, but probably way more productive for literally everyone. If by planning and executing a wedding I might coax beautiful, eager love right out of the room and into the world for even just the next day, our little pocket of spacetime might slowly (achingly so) grow kinder. Happier, even. I think we need the help, and I think I’d be good at it.

I’ll post any updates on this particular internship as well as the five nonillion (I learned that measurement today actually, okay tangent — there’s a planet made almost entirely of crystallized diamond, which I’m sure you’ve heard of by now, but did you know it’d be worth 26.9 nonillion dollars?? That’s 29 zeros: $26,900,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Outer space has the most impressive engagement ring.) others I’ve applied to.

Stay tuned, I know you’re invested.